It's not easy to say negative things to people. In fact, it takes a lot of courage to point out the shortcoming. If someone does that for me, honest and brutal, I keep them close. Brutal and honest friends are dearest to me.

Feedback is hard

We used to have 360-degree feedbacks at Myntra (I mean they still have, I am no more with them but I will again use "we"). I used to hate those and often treated them a waste of time. When I look back today, I hated it because I couldn't write about people and their work. I couldn't write because it's challenging to recall what they did this year and how could I remember their work when I was having a hard time remembering mine. What did I do this year? I have been working on this component for the past few weeks. And oh! I shipped that feature before that. And... and... what the hell did I do? And you're asking me feedback on your work?

I used to face the same empty wall when I had to ask for feedback. We were living in now with no recollection of past, very little recollection. This wasn't working for me, and I guess neither for people working with me, I feel they even didn't know that we weren't a good team. The first 360-feedback was a disaster, I didn't write anything, about me or my work or them or their work, nothing at all.

My manager called for a 1-on-1, "Why didn't you fill your self-review?". I didn't tell him that I didn't remember, "Do we really need to? I mean, I working well, you know that. Isn't it a waste of time?". That day I got to know that 360-feedbacks are a precursor to the forthcoming calibration meeting, unknown to me, these corporate shenanigans, I thought. The calibration meeting was a hidden championship where every employee was compared with every other in the same role. Hidden because you don't represent yourself; instead, your manager represents you. "But, you know what I have worked on", it struck me, shit—what the hell would he remember about my work when I couldn't. Maybe subconsciously I thought he's oracle or something, he would know, I can count on him, go be my champion and fetch me a promotion. But, it doesn't work like that, and I am lucky I got to know this very early in my career.

It takes courage

I started writing all significant tasks I was working on or peers who interacted with me. It was all one big text note, it had all I needed, what I worked on, what they worked on if found something wrong in their work or their behaviour, I did keep a note of everything necessary. It helped me in 1-on-1s to set my goals, to steer myself into a kind of position I wanted.

Today when I look back, I feel I didn't do justice to my peers. I didn't tell them in time, I waited for the 360-feedback because I had content, I could write this time, and I did write. But that feedback was useless, it was late by 6 months, they couldn't do anything then, even if they eagerly wanted to do something. I set them up for failure. I did. But what else could I do, I didn't know you're supposed to tell people, nobody told me. Nobody asked me for feedback, not before the D-day. And I didn't dare to tell them unasked for. It takes courage to give feedback, even more, when unasked for.

We react poorly to negative feedback

If someone points out your mistakes or failure, it's natural that you would get in a defensive position. We try to divert, come up with excuses—"I wanted to write test cases but you know the deadline was so harsh, I could barely complete the task itself.", guess what the task is still incomplete and whatever you say to in defence of negative feedback, it's always what it is—a defence, an excuse, a diversion.

Acceptance is a good response, a question is even better, in fact, is the best response—"I feel that's true, I think I have underestimated the task, how could I have done this better?". Ask questions, get more information, get actionable feedback. And keep telling your head, she is trying to help me, be rational, be reasonable, open to suggestions and don't shut her off, listen, listen, listen and ask.

Not taking personally is a superpower

"That's not a good way to do it, it could turn into some serious performance issue".

We attach ourselves to our work so much that we tend to loose where do we end and where does our work start. An objective comment on a piece of code can become an attack on my code suddenly. My code, my precious. Keeping oneself detached from work is a superpower, and no one is born with it, neither can one be bitten by a radioactive spider to gain it. You have to practice, practice in the face of every criticism, every negative feedback that listens, listen, listen and ask. She is talking about this code and not me, there could be some merit in her suggestion, I should stay open to ideas.

"I thought due to these constraints, we have a reasonable upper bound, maybe I missed something, why do you think it could run into performance issues?"

Feedback Driven Development

We all want to be better, we aspire to, and yet we never ask. Feedback is the fuel for personal development and you need to ask for it, for you to grow, to be better.

I have learned something about using feedback as a fuel for personal development, partly from my experiences and partly from "The Making of a Manager" by Julie Zhou. I call it FDD, F stands for both—fuckup and feedback, both are necessary for one's growth. One makes mistakes to be better but needs feedback to learn from them.

Ask for feedback

You won't get anything unless you ask—promotion, relationship, and even feedback, so ask, ask and ask.

Who do you ask? Ask your manager, ask your peers, ask your friends, ask your partner, ask your parents, ask that person who listened you talk, ask that person who read your article, ask that maintainer who reviewed your pull request, ask that person who depends on your work or your work depends on, ask everyone who you can, there is not a thing like too much feedback, ask as much you can.

What do you ask? Ask what you want to be better at, ask something that you can quantify, ask something that demands honesty, ask something that opens up a dialogue. For example, I am learning to write, I want to be better at it, so I would ask "Does the content feel engaging?", "I want to share my learnings, but I don't want to appear authoritative, do you feel the content welcoming and honest?" "Is the flow of the good? Do you feel disconnected or losing thought while reading?" "Do you see any words or phrases that don't sound well in your culture?" "What did you like most? And what did you not like?" "What do you feel is working great and want to see more?" I mean ask a question that advances you towards your definition of better.

Appreciate the feedback

Thank them who give you feedback, appreciate their efforts. Giving feedback is not easy so let them know you are grateful, and it is helping you. Thank them even if they can't provide you with feedback, they are not bound to, and they can always ignore. They give you feedback or not, but they should know that you respect their time, you're thankful, and their feedback means a lot to you.

Act on feedback

All feedback is worthless, a waste of time if you don't act on it. I give you some feedback, but I see you doing actions against it like you haven't even heard what I said. I would feel like I am wasting my time and eventually I would stop engaging, you would like it too. Don't let the wellwishers die off, they want you to better, they want you to grow, they shouldn't feel irrelevant or unheard.

Report back

When you act on some feedback and find that it is actually making you better, don't miss the chance to report back, they went out of the line to help, you owe it to them, you report them your improvements. I would love to hear if something I suggested is working for you, it's feedback on feedback, it would help me to be a better help for someone else.

What if it didn't work for you? nothing changes, you still report, I know it's hard to share failures, but failures need to be heard, failures make us better. We hear way less about failures even though they are more common, everyone fails at something or sometimes. If my suggestions do not work well for you, I expect to hear back, I don't want to set other people on the wrong path, I want to hear I failed, I want to learn, don't take away my failures.

What if you already know it won't work because you've tried or heard about it? You still report back, if someone is courageous enough to give you feedback, they surely can handle feedback, or I'll assume they can. Do not hide failures and do share successes, we need to hear them all.

Ask again

The feedback worked for you, and it worked for me. We are our better selves, now what? Now we repeat, the best thing about "better" is that there is always a "better" better than "better". So, keep asking for feedback.

Following is a recent email, I sent for seeking feedback, I hope you find it useful:

Hey Xxxx,

We have been working together for three weeks now. I value your feedback, and I'd like to be a more effective team member. Would you be willing to answer the questions below? Please be as honest as you can because that's what will help me the most—I promise nothing you say will offend me. Feedback is a gift, and I'm grateful for your taking the time.

I spent my first week to understand the project and it's source code, and for the last two weeks, I have been working on InputDate component. How do you think I'm doing on that? Any suggestions on how I can do better here?

Initially I estimated to complete the InputDate component in two weeks but while working on it, I found it builds upon other components like button, dropdown, popper, select box etc. which warranted building those base components first. What do you think I could have done better here?

What am I doing well that you'd like to see me do more of? What should I stop doing? Any other suggestions?

Thanks.

-- Rahul Kadyan https://znck.me

Feedback is a gift

I appreciate your time, I hope you enjoyed this and would love to hear some feedback from you. So, write to me if you could.

I would leave you with a quote from The Making of a Manager:

"Feedback is a gift." It costs time and effort to share, but when we have it, we're better off. So let's give it generously.

I recommend reading The Making of a Manager or at least the fourth chapter—The Art of Feedback.